


Waiting in a World You Don't Want

by smaragdbird



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, anders goes back to the grey wardens, implied one sided Fenris/Anders, one sided Hawke/Anders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9095428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Anders never wanted to leave the Wardens; they were family, love, purpose. It has always plagued him, the pain of loss never really lessening even after years in Kirkwall and another group of misfits to blend in. Anders is a strong, kind, brave... emotionally unavailable man, much to the despair to those who would very much like to have a closer relationship with him. Nathaniel's rescue during Act III and a newfound hope of return to the Wardens reveal a new side of Anders to his companions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/11099.html?thread=44015451#t44015451) prompt

“Serah Hawke I must speak with you. You’re the only one that can help. The Wardens mounted an expedition to retrace your route through the Deep Roads to discover whatever it is you found years ago. It’s a fool’s errand and my poor brother is with them – Nathaniel Howe.”

“Nathaniel Howe? Well put me in a dress and call me a templar. How is the old boy doing?” There was an unexpected elation in Anders’ tone.

“He’s missing, serah, haven’t you been listening?” Delilah said sharply.

“I’m not worried about Nathaniel. He’s crawled out of worse places alive.” But Hawke noticed an underlying tension in his voice. Whoever Nathaniel was, he had to be important to Anders.

“I take it you and Nathaniel have some history?” Hawke asked.

“Certainly. We were Wardens together in Amaranthine. Hordes of darkspawn, psychotic broodmothers – usual warden business. I wonder if Nathaniel ever found a sense of humour?” He recognised Anders’ tactic of making a quip to mask that he did not want to talk about something.

/

“And you’re the champion of Kirkwall, aren’t you?” Nathaniel asked. Then he looked over Hawke’s shoulder and his face lit up. “And....Anders.”

“Making friends as always I see”, Anders said dryly.

“There’s no escaping you it seems”, Nathaniel said and to everyone else’s surprise Anders laughed.

“I’m special that way.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“Howe are you Nathaniel?” Anders asked with the broadest possible grin.

Nathaniel turned around and started walking away from them without another word.

“Come on, Nate”, Anders called after him. “You had to expect that.”

“I had hoped Justice would be the dominant personality”, Nathaniel deadpanned.

“Justice thinks you should’ve learned how to shave by now”, Anders replied.

Nathaniel looked unimpressed. “At least he shares your taste for frilly dresses.”

“Says the guy in a skirt.”

“At least this one covers your chest.”

“You miss the view, admit it.”

“It did have a good distraction value, especially for darkspawn.”

“Eww, you spent too much time with Oghren.”

“Your jokes aren’t any better.”

“My jokes are hilarious.”

“Did Blondie just say he makes jokes?” Varric asked Hawke.

“Sounds like it”, Hawke replied. Watching Anders with Nathaniel was like seeing a completely different person. In fact Hawke couldn’t remember if he had ever seen Anders this relaxed before. He cleared his throat. “Now that we found you, we can go back. Your sister was very worried about you.”

“I cannot leave. When we were attacked I was separated from the others. Some of them may yet live”, Nathaniel said and turned back towards the tunnels.

/

“Us ranging into the depths, fighting darkspawn and children...it’s like old times.” Anders said. Everyone but him and Nathaniel were asleep.

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“Where’s your sense of adventure?”

Instead of an answer Nathaniel rolled his eyes and turned his head to look at Anders. For a moment it seemed as if he was going to say something, so Anders quickly asked,

“If you’re here and Delilah is in Kirkwall who’s watching Ser Pounce?”

“I left him with Sigrun in Vigil’s Keep. I’ll pick him up once I return to Soldier’s Peak.” After a short moment where Anders desperately tried to think of some lame joke to keep Nathaniel occupied, Nathaniel asked, “Why are you here, Anders? You hate the Deep Roads.”

“I couldn’t...I wanted...when Delilah said....” Anders stopped only when Nathaniel rested his hand against the side of Anders’ face. For a moment Anders leaned into the caress, feeling the calluses of Nathaniel’s fingers against his cheek as if no time had passed at all. But then he turned away as if burned.

“I presumed too much. I’m sorry, Anders.”

“It’s not that”, Anders laughed harshly. “If you think there has been anyone but you then you’re a fool.”

“Then why – “

“Because you still look at me as if I hadn’t slaughtered a fellow Grey Warden and became an abomination.”

“Rolan?” Nathaniel asked disbelievingly. “Rolan was a traitor. The Commander was furious when his betrayal of you was discovered. We searched for you Anders. I went to Tevinter and Anderfels to find you when you were here the whole time.” Again Nathaniel rested his hand against Anders’ face and this time Anders didn’t turn away. “You and Justice are Grey Wardens. Nothing will ever change that. If you want to come back then all you have to do is to come home.”

Anders heart clenched painfully. It couldn’t be this easy, could it? “What’s the catch?”

“You mean apart from regular tours into the Deep Roads? You may have to apologise to the others for making us worry. And I think Elissa has a mission planned to find a way to avoid the Calling. And your cat is probably not going to forgive you any time soon for running away without him. I make him catch his own dinner on most days.”

“So the usual”, Anders joked weakly.

“The usual”, Nathaniel agreed, his voice softening. “Come home Anders, please.”

It was what Anders had longed to hear for long, he didn’t feel like fighting it any longer. “When are you leaving?”

“With King Alistair. He’s coming to Kirkwall in a week to speak with Meredith. I want to recruit some mages from the Gallows while he’s here.”

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“That’s why I’m doing it while the King’s here. He’s a Grey Warden too after all.”

“Clever.”

“Will you come with me?” Nathaniel asked.

Anders nodded. “Yes”, he said to reinforce his decision. He took Nathaniel’s hand and squeezed it. “Yes.”

/

“Anders?” Hawke was surprised to see him. He rarely left Darktown when he didn’t have to.

“I wanted to talk to you”, Anders said. “I’m leaving Kirkwall.”

Hawke needed a moment to process his words. Of all the things he had expected to hear from him this was one of the least likely ones.

“You’ve been a very good friend to me so I wanted to tell you first.”

“This has to do with the Warden?” There was a note of bitterness in his voice that had no business to be there. Anders had made clear from the start that he wanted nothing but friendship from him or anyone.

“The Wardens are my family. I left because I was scared, because I thought they’d despise me for what I am, what I’ve done. But Nathaniel, he...he told me I can go home again and that’s what I want. What I’ve always wanted.” 

Hawke could see it on his face as he spoke, the yearning, the homesickness, the happiness at the prospect of returning. And he knew that if he had the choice of having his family back he’d take it in a heartbeat. He had no right to keep him. Anders had never and would never belong to him.

Hawke walked up to him and hugged him to hide the tears forming in his eyes.

“When are you leaving?”

“In a few days. Nathaniel wants to make some enemies in Kirkwall first. He intends to recruit some mages from the Gallows while King Alistair is here.”

Hawke managed a smile. “I can see why you like him.”

/

“Round’s on me”, Anders laughed. “It’s the last one so enjoy it.”

“Why?” Varric asked. “Are the Templars going to lock you up at dawn?”

“I’m leaving Kirkwall”, Anders said calmly in face of the bomb he had just thrown on his friends. “I’m going back to the Wardens.”

“Look Blondie, I know the Wardens are for life but if you don’t want to – “

“I want to”, Anders interrupted Varric firmly. “What I didn’t want was to leave them but I thought I had to. Now that I know I was wrong, I can go home.”

“Good luck”, Aveline said and hugged him. They all did, one by one. Varric joked about writing a novel with Anders as the main character, Merrill cried, Isabella made a lewd comment about Grey Warden stamina and Sebastian offered sincere congratulations.

Fenris stood there awkwardly until Anders offered his hand and Fenris took it. “Farewell, Anders”, he said.

“Wow, you almost had me convinced you didn’t know my name”, Anders grinned. “Farewell to you, too Fenris.”

He turned to all of them. “Now, I’ve got a boat to catch. Don’t get into too much trouble without me around. Thanks to Meredith healers are rare these days.”

“Dramatic as always”, Nathaniel noted dryly when Anders joined him in the doorway.

“How else would you know it’s me?” Anders asked and pulled Nathaniel into a kiss. Six years ago Nathaniel would’ve stopped him but instead he pulled him closer, deepening the kiss regardless of who was watching.

“You’re getting mellow in your old age, Nate”, Anders teased breathlessly.

“Maybe I just missed you.”

“He’ll be happy”, Fenris said, He was watching Anders and Nathaniel just like Hawke did.

“I know”, he said. “I just wish...”

“Yes, me too”, he admitted.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
